Good Intentions
by neutral
Summary: [complete][Of Western Star's timeline] Harry: the naive, oblivious, clueless sixteen year old going through life. Sirius: the overprotective, compulsive, obsessive godfather determined to keep him that way. Needless to say, life is interesting
1. little good godsons, big bad godfathers

Disclaimer: all characters belong to J K Rowling and Warner brothers.   
  
a/n story dedicated to Rainbow and Ari for inspiring me with this idea!   
  
It's not really humor, it's a pathetic attempt at humor. *hides* this story is very, very… *sigh* never mind. It's just bad. I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't promise everyone, *sigh* but after you read it, pretend you never did.   
  
This story takes place in the 'Of Western Stars' timeline. You would read it without that fic's background, but it borrows character relationship and character personalities from the situation. Harry is somewhat different from Rowling's Harry, as are Sirius and Remus.   
  
  
  
**Good Intentions**  
By neutral   
  
  
  
Chapter one - good little godsons, bad little godfathers   
  
  
  
//   
_  
"He's so charming…"   
  
"Charming? That's not the right way to put it. He's…"   
  
"… incredibly sweet, understanding, kind, a bit shy, but so incredibly sweet…"   
  
"His hair needs a some work, his glasses are…"   
  
"Adorable. They're adorable. They make him look so sweet. And what are you taking about, his hair is perfect! It makes him look so sweet…"   
  
"You've been saying that for the past fifteen minutes."   
  
"Well, he is!"   
  
A cough. "Yeah, well, he may be sweet, but his godfather definitely isn't. If you want him, you need to pass the godfather test."   
  
A long silence.   
  
"Wasn't that why that Ravenclaw girl…?"   
  
"Yeah, not that they were going out in the first place, it was more of a one sided attraction…"   
  
Snort. "What are you talking about? She was practically draping herself all over him, and…"   
  
"… Professor Black invited both of them to dinner in his office one day, and she never approached him again."   
  
Another long pause.   
  
"Oh."   
  
"Damn."   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"But he's so sweet…"   
  
"Quiet! He's coming!"   
  
_ \\   
  
  
  
Harry paused in the hallway, glancing over his shoulder at small group of girls, huddled behind a suit of armor as if attempting in vain to be inconspicuous. One of them caught his eye, and the entire hoard dissolved into a fit of muffled coughing that sounded suspiciously like giggles.   
  
Harry blinked, perplexed. "Ron, is there a virus going around in the girls dormitories?"   
  
"Virus?" Ron's voice was muffled behind a text book, as he was attempting to finish the past of his potions essay in between class. The ink from his quill had splattered over his hands, and all over the parchment.   
  
"Disease, sort of."   
  
Ron glanced at him as if he suddenly grew a second head. "The girls are diseased?"   
  
"No," Harry said hastily, sneaking a glance over his shoulder at the bobbing heads. "I was just wondering, since everyone seems to be coughing."   
  
"That's odd. Hermione's perfectly fine. I think it's just you, Harry."   
  
  
  
  
  
Sirius hid a large yawn behind the roll of parchment, finger combing his black hair to bring as much order to it as possible as he jogged to the classroom. He woke up late again. That was the fourth time that week. But Remus was probably prepared and already hoarded him some breakfast from the great hall.   
  
After Quirrel was revealed to be Voldemort's supporter, Lockhart flaking out and nearly brainwashing his godson, Dumbledore finally decided having Sirius blast through the doors of the Great Hall towards the end of every school year was not the best experience for either parties. He offered them the defense class at the end of Harry's second year, and they both jumped at the opportunity.   
  
Sirius and Remus were beginning to be the longest surviving defense teachers in the history of Hogwarts. But he wasn't suited for the job. If anything, he should teach transfiguration. Defense was Remus' forte, and he had far more patience with children than he. Nevertheless, that didn't stop him from taking full advantage of the position.   
  
Sirius slowed in his steps as he approached the classroom, but a small gathering of Hufflepuff girls caught his attention. That raised his suspicions instantly, and he strained his ears to listen.   
  
"He looked at me!" one of the squealed.   
  
Sirius raised an eyebrow.   
  
"You're hopeless," another mumbled with a groan.   
  
"I'm not! He's just so sweet."   
  
"He thought we were diseased," the second said flatly.   
  
"He thought we caught a cold. Isn't he so considerate?"   
  
"Oh god, you need help…"   
  
"You have to admit he's really…"   
  
"… desirable?"   
  
"Yeah. I heard he can cook and clean, not to mention his grades are not too bad, and he's…"   
  
"The Boy Who Lived."   
  
Sirius' ears perked up instantly at that. In four long strides, he was towering above the six-year Hufflepuffs, eyes narrowed in a poisonous glare. The group instantly fell silent, horrified.   
  
"Well, that too," one of the girls was still ranting obliviously. "But then there's his godfather…"   
  
Sirius cleared his throat. "What about me?"   
  
She froze, staring stiffly ahead for almost a full minute before slowly turning around. "Oh sh…"   
  
"… it?" Sirius finished helpfully. He folded his arms, flicking out his wand in a causal but intimidating position. "You were saying something before."   
  
She paled. Her eyes darted to her friend's as if seeking support. "We were talking about…"   
  
"Her cousin!" another broke in hastily. "We were talking about her cousin. He has a godfather."   
  
"Ah, incest? Very interesting," Sirius muttered with a wry grin as the girls' expressions collectively fell. He leaned forward, bending so that he was uncomfortably close to her face, his forced smile twisting into a rather angry grimace. "Harry doesn't have a cousin. I suggest the next time you talk about Harry in your little hoards, do so in your dorms late at night. But if you so much as to touch my godson…"   
  
The girls scattered like harassed little fishes in a pond.   
  
Sirius straightened, imperturbably tugging at the sleeves of his robes as if he had done nothing more than collect the morning post, and turned to enter the classroom.   
  
  
  
  
  
Remus dropped his face in his hands, sighing audibly as the familiar sound of running feet echoed through the corridor. As if on cue, Sirius stepped briskly into the classroom.   
  
"I won't even ask," Remus mumbled, shaking his head.   
  
Sirius shot him an indignant glare as he flopped unceremoniously into a chair. "You're not helping."   
  
"Helping?!" Remus jerked his head up so abruptly that his chair squeaked. "You don't mean as in helping you frighten those girls. That poor Ravenclaw girl was traumatized for weeks! Was charming those socks really necessary?"   
  
"That's just a side affect!" Sirius retorted without missing a beat. "You're suppose to be helping me defend Harry's honor."   
  
Remus blankly stared. That was such a bizarre wording of Sirius' motives that Remus was caught among the urges to laugh, to bang his head repeatedly against the table, or to fling something at his thick headed friend. He suppressed all those impulses, venting some frustration by rapping his fingers rapidly against the desk.   
  
"Sirius…" Remus slowly began as if speaking to a small child.   
  
"You should listen to some of the things they say about him," Sirius broke in abruptly, standing up in a flourish. He paced the room, stomping as he animatedly gestured with his hands. "Those gossiping, grappling girls! And my godson! The poor kid's six years old!"   
  
"Sixteen," Remus grumbled, grinding his nails against the table exasperatedly. "Harry's sixteen, Sirius."   
  
Sirius made a strangled sound that sounded uncomfortably like a snarl.   
  
"You shouldn't discourage them at their age," Remus continued, eyeing Sirius cautiously for a emotion. He had long since understood how violently Sirius could react on the issue. "It's normal for girls their age to start naming possible…"   
  
"Victims."   
  
Remus sighed. "That's a rather crude way of putting it. But it's normal for Harry to start dating at his age. Rather, it's a bit unusual that Harry has absolutely no girlfriends, and never had one in his entire life."   
  
Sirius scowled, kicking irritably at a chair. "I never said Harry couldn't get a girlfriend…" he grumbled under his breath.   
  
"Sirius, you send death threats to any girl who even stares at him," Remus whispered, willing himself to remain composed as he glowered at his friend. "I'm not surprised that girls stay outside of the Harry's fifty-meter boundary. With the exception of Hermione (but you don't exactly consider her a menace since she's inclining towards Ron), Harry has no other friends who are girls."   
  
"They are not death threats," Sirius muttered defensively.   
  
Remus rolled his eyes skyward. "Sirius, Harry has to get married one day."   
  
For a moment, Sirius looked as if he was going to contradict that statement, but thought better of it. He settled on boring holes into Remus' head with his glares alone.   
  
"And at the rate you're going, Harry's going to die an old bachelor," Remus finished, fixing Sirius with the expression of extreme disapprovement, honed to perfection through his years of teaching.   
  
"I know, I know!" Sirius snapped. "I'm just saying that Harry's too young to begin any sort of relationship!"   
  
Remus dropped his face against his hands again, feeling his last shred of patience gone. "That's hypocrisy. By the time you were sixteen, you've dated half the school!"   
  
"That's beside the point…"   
  
"How is that any different?"   
  
"Well, he's my godson!" Sirius responded automatically. At Remus' darkening glare, he faltered slightly. "And… we're different! Harry… he's… it's just different!"   
  
Remus sighed.   
  
Sirius made a blind kick at Remus' leg under the table. "Shut up."   
  
  
  
  
  
*   
  
  
  
  
  
Short, isn't it? *sigh* humor is so hard to write! Waaah… it's not even funny. Sirius is just weird. Harry's oblivious but wasn't even in most of it. Some of the factors were left unaddressed. *sigh*   
  
As to why Sirius has such an aversion of the idea of Harry dating, humm... it's sort of like parents with an only child, only far worse. Plus the events from WS, Sirius is very, _very_ defensive of Harry. Only this is sort of a parody since it brings it to the extreme.   
  
A minific most likely 3 chapters long. It would have been a big oneshot, but I wasn't sure how to manage it. Ack! I can't write humor! It's just wrong! It comes out wrong too, I don't know what sort of reaction this story will have, and I'm not quite sure where to go with it. So throw me some comments or suggestions!   
  



	2. little clueless godsons, big scheming go...

Disclaimer: all characters belong to J K Rowling and Warner brothers.   
  
a/n story dedicated to Rainbow and Ari for inspiring me with this idea!   
  
Please read Of Western Stars before you read this fic, otherwise, things will get very confusing!  
  
Warning, some language.   
  
  
  
**Good Intentions**  
By neutral   
  
  
  
Chapter two - little clueless godsons, big scheming godfathers   
  
  
  
//   
  
_ "Where…? I don't see… Oooo…"   
  
Even in the dark, the deepening blush on the speaker's face was visible.   
  
"Hush! We're going to be caught!"   
  
A muffled giggle. "He's so cute!"   
  
"Oh god, I can't believe I'm doing this. This is so stupid!"   
  
"Oh, admit it, you're enjoying the view."   
  
Another blush. "Shut up!"   
  
"Shh! He's taking off his shirt!"   
  
"He's not taking off his pants though…"   
  
"Eww, you're sick!"   
  
Another giggle. "Of course I am. Harry thinks so. He's so considerate."   
  
"Harry…?!"   
  
"Oh, come on. I can call him Harry if I want!"   
  
"You barely even know him!"   
  
"Yes I do. He helped me pick up my books in the corridor this morning."   
  
"That's because you dropped them on purpose!"   
  
"So what?"   
  
"You're shameless!"   
  
"You're just jealous."   
  
"Bitch!"   
  
"What?! After I told you about this hiding place too, you… whore!"   
  
_ \\   
  
Harry slowly lifted his head, hand frozen over a buckle of his quidditch shirt as he scanned the room suspiciously. There was a mild stirring of unease in his stomach that came whenever he felt that he was watched. Holding his breath, he slowly eased a hand towards the thin slab of wood lying on the bench inches away.   
  
"Harry?"   
  
Harry startled in surprise and nearly tripped over his feet. "What?" he said in a rush.   
  
Ron lifted an inquisitive eyebrow, letting his gaze purposefully linger on the wand clutched in Harry's hand. "Harry, the game's going to start in a few minutes."   
  
"Oh, right," Harry muttered distractedly.   
  
Ron stared extra long at his friend. "Is there something wrong?" he cautiously asked.   
  
"No, everything's fine," Harry managed to choke out without stuttering, glancing nervously over his shoulder. "I just thought I heard something."   
  
"Well, there's the crowd," Ron offered carefully. "Then there were a couple of Hufflepuff girls coming out around the corner, and…"   
  
"No, I thought someone said…" Harry suddenly blushed an alarming shade of red. "Never mind."   
  
  
  
  
  
Remus inwardly sighed as Sirius neatly arranged the names of the Slytherin quidditch team over his parchment. Sirius already had them neatly lined in alphabetical order, before he changed his mind and reordered them again. Remus silently wished his thick minded friend would have that sort of diligence while teaching, but alas, it could not be.   
  
This was a ritual Remus had seen since third year, when a particularly nasty game left Harry in the infirmary for over two days. Although it wasn't exactly the opposing team's fault -- the weather had been terrible, and the Ravenclaw chaser had crashed into Harry accidentally -- Sirius was bitterly vengeful. Since then, he kept careful tabs of ever player's wrongdoings against his godson.   
  
Everyone now was forced to weigh the pros and cons of every action before targeting the Gryffindor seeker. Cripple the opposing team or suffer the consequences of being 'Blacklisted' (in other words, having their name placed in Professor Black's infamous book to be stored away for prankishment)? That question was on the surface of every quidditch player's mind.   
  
Remus repressed a sigh. He was beginning to feel seriously sorry for the Slytherin team. Watching Sirius rearrange the names for the third time, Remus felt his self control finally wear away.   
  
"Sirius, stop!" Remus carefully plucked the quill out of Sirius' hand.   
  
"Hey!" Sirius snapped into attention with a jerk, and instantly pinned Remus with a dark glower. "Hand that over."   
  
Remus held out an empty palm. "Give me that parchment first."   
  
"The game's starting a few minutes," Sirius grumbled exasperatedly. "What are you doing?"   
  
"What are _you_ doing?" Remus snapped back, stubbornly folding his arms. "This is just a game. You should let those kids enjoy themselves!"   
  
"Let them _enjoy_ themselves?!" Sirius echoed in disbelief. Somehow, Remus mused, Sirius managed to twist those words to sound like adolescents enjoyed to torture during their free time. "No way! Who knows what they're thinking. They're Slytherins! For all we know, Snape could have set them up to ignite Harry's broom."   
  
This time, Remus sighed aloud. "Sirius, use your common sense for once! Severus would do nothing of the sort. Besides, I recall that when you were a quidditch beater, you placed quite a few students in the hospital wing."   
  
Sirius shrugged, brushing aside Remus' comment as if he had been commenting on the weather. "That's beside the point."   
  
"What?!" Remus would have jumped to his feet if he wouldn't have attracted so much attention. Nevertheless, quite a few heads still turned in his direction at the generally mild-tempered professor's shout. Remus blushed and sank in his chair.   
  
"Don't worry, I'm just taking some precautions," Sirius continued casually. "Ensuring Harry's safety like my parenting contract says."   
  
Remus groaned, dropping his face into his hands in defeat. "That's stretching it way too far."   
  
Sirius abruptly jabbed him in the ribs. "Quiet. Game's starting."   
  
Remus sighed again, watching the green blurs streak past the teacher's stands sympathetically. Half of them were on Sirius' 'to be punished' list already, and probably don't even know it. Sirius was spontaneous in his habits; on any random day, he would let a boy wander through the halls with singing robes or dancing hair. Sirius always kept an amazingly straight face; there was never quite enough evidence to incriminate him.   
  
Harry, as usual, had always been clueless. He even helped de-curse a few students once, much to Remus' amusement and Sirius' chagrin. Harry had remarked offhandedly that those spells had a familiar signature, but his godfather was probably second to last, before Remus, on his list of suspects.   
  
The poor kid was oblivious.   
  
Sirius was overprotective, and frighteningly so. But Remus often wondered if he would be the same had James and Lily lived. Harry could have had his own family, perhaps even siblings. He would never have suffered those five years with the Dursleys, never would nave came close to bleeding to death or having his throat slit. Sirius would never have had the reason to feel the need to shelter him to the extend he did now. Harry would have been a normal boy…   
  
Sirius would probably be cheering his godson on. And driving James and Lily crazy while he did it.   
  
Remus had a brief imagine of Sirius chirpily shoving Harry out the door with a girl and nearly slipped out of his chair.   
  
Remus quickly shook his head.   
  
_Not right, not right. _   
  
Somehow, placing the words Harry, dating, girls along with Sirius in one sentence set off alarm bells in his head. If that was to ever occur, he would be locking Sirius in the basement for twenty-four hours as a precautionary action.   
  
He would have laughed aloud if the picture didn't seem so ridiculous. Although the imagine did seem familiar.   
  
… minus twenty-five years off Sirius' age, substitute Harry with James, and add a red-head to the girl waiting outside. Let the girl beside the redhead be a constantly changing variable. Now that picture fit probably eighty percent of his Sirius dating memories.   
  
Remus made a careful note to enlighten Harry of his godfather's numerous escapades during his Hogwarts years. Out of Sirius' audio and visual range.   
  
A sudden roar swept the bleachers, and Remus was jolted back into attention.   
  
"Did you see that?" Sirius was on his feet, eyes narrowed into a fiery glare.   
  
Remus was instantly on his guard. "See what?" he asked worriedly.   
  
"She almost got Harry with that bludger!" Sirius spluttered angrily.   
  
Another roar went up. Gripping the edge of his seat, Remus followed Sirius' line of vision and noticed the blur of red diving at a dangerously steep angle with another green splotch at his tail. There was a distant crack of a hard ball against wood -- Remus' heightened hearing could just make it out in the yelling -- and Harry's form spun off course.   
  
"Shit!!" Sirius hissed beside him.   
  
Remus held his breath.   
  
Then with a rapid and skilled maneuver that Remus was sure he would break his own neck imitating, Harry straightened his broom and smoothened his course like butter.   
  
The cheers were deafening.   
  
"He's caught the snitch!" he could hear an unusually high-pitched voice squeaking.   
  
Sirius was deathly silent. Remus sneaked a cautious glance his way, but his friend's expression was a stoic mask. Remus tensed.   
  
"Tomorrow, for defense, I'm doing a demonstration," Sirius calmly announced. "during the Slytherin sixth year period."   
  
This time, Remus did jump out of his chair. "_No_!!"   
  
  
  
  
  
"Amazing catch, Harry!"   
  
"That was great!"   
  
"Did you see their faces?"   
  
"Three cheers for our favorite seeker!"   
  
Those were the shouts that greeted him the moment he stepped into the Gryffindor common room. Harry managed a slightly embarrassed smile, massaging his sore arm as he quickly ducked into a corner.   
  
Right away, there was a chorus of disappointed 'Awww's.' Blushing even more fiercely, Harry slowly approached the excited circle of students.   
  
"How's your arm?" Hermione asked, squeezing through George and Fred as she fought her way to her friend.   
  
Harry shrugged, patting the precautionary bandage lightly. "It's just a fracture. It just took longer because she had to debone part of the wrist."   
  
"Just a fracture?" Ron echoed indignantly. "That Bulstrode girl should be punished!"   
  
"What she did was legal under the rules though," Harry reminded him as he reached for a butterbeer. "It doesn't matter anyway; it wasn't serious."   
  
"I'm sure Sirius threw a fit," Hermione quietly mused.   
  
Harry abruptly paused, his hand still holding the mug in mid air. "Well, yeah," he sighed, grimacing slightly at the memory. Unconsciously, he sank lower in his chair. "He insisted that I charm my robes next time so they're rock hard and was trying to get that plan approved by Dumbledore. But then Moony said that those robes would have weighed the same as rocks, so Sirius eventually quieted down. I think he was mostly just angry."   
  
Silence.   
  
Harry suddenly noticed nearly everyone in the common room was staring at him with wide eyes. "Padfoot has… odd ideas like that once in a while," Harry managed lamely.   
  
George abruptly gave a dramatic sigh and fell backwards into a chair. "Padfoot, huh. It's hard to believe this is Padfoot of the Marauders we're talking about. The legendary Padfoot who placed more people in the hospital wing, single-handedly earned the most detentions, and dated the most girls in all of Hogwarts' history."   
  
Harry choked on his butterbeer. "What…?!" he spluttered, making an admirable attempt to hide his face behind his arm and speak at the same time. He looked horror-struck, as if someone suddenly dropped the bombshell on him that Hermione was really Voldemort in disguise and Snape's hobby was hugging trees.   
  
George was equally stunned. "You mean you don't know?"   
  
"Sirius? Are you sure?" Harry choked out. Stubbornly, he set the mug on the table and stiffened almost defensively. "He told me he made some trouble at school, but that seems a bit excessive."   
  
Fred and George exchanged significant glances.   
  
"Well, I suppose if you insist," Fred finally muttered, grimly shaking his head. Sighing, he propped his legs on the counter and watched Harry over the bridge of his nose. "Don't tell Mr. Padfoot we said that about him."   
  
Harry lifted an bewildered eyebrow.   
  
"You have to admit Fred as a point though," Ron said somewhat dejectedly. "Imagine what Sirius would do if he found out."   
  
The twin's expressions collectively fell in horror.   
  
"Ouch," Hermione muttered, grimacing. "That's not a good sign, especially if Sirius wanted to keep it a secret."   
  
Harry bit his lip, visibly bewildered at the sight of their grim expressions. "What do you mean? Why do I have an odd idea that you're talking about me?"   
  
"It's like that girl thing," Ron glared at his friend as if trying to communicate through eyes alone. But Harry just blinked, looking more perplexed than before.   
  
"What girl thing?" Harry warily asked, nervously fidgeting when everyone seemed to turn in his direction once again.   
  
Ron's jaw dropped. He gawked at his friend as if he suddenly grew a second head with three arms. "Harry, you can't be serious. You don't mean you don't know?!"   
  
Harry opened his mouth and closed it again, stunned into silence.   
  
"You know," Ron muttered, gesturing with his hands and staring at Harry pointedly. "You know…"   
  
Harry frowned, "Ron, are you okay?"   
  
Ron made a strangled noise that sounded oddly like an choking hippogriff underwater. "I can't believe it! You really don't know! Harry, Sirius has been practically beating girls off your back with a two by four, and you don't even know!!"   
  
Harry scooted back in his chair uneasily. "What? Why would he do something like that? There must he some mistake. Padfoot would do nothing of the sort."   
  
Hermione and Ron simultaneously groaned.   
  
  
  
  
  
The Great Hall was a storehouse of whispers and giggles when Harry made his way in beside Ron and Hermione the next morning. Harry slowed in wary anticipation, but Ron simply shrugged.   
  
"What's going on?" Harry whispered uneasily.   
  
"Didn't you hear?" Dean piped excitedly. "Professor Black did a demonstration for the sixth year Slytherins."   
  
Hermione's expression fell in understanding and Ron looked decidedly triumphant.   
  
Harry just blinked. "What happened? It couldn't be that bad, could it? Sirius is a pretty good teacher when it comes to demonstrations."   
  
Ron suddenly coughed, turning a bright shade of red as he tried to glare at Harry in disbelief. Harry turned to him in surprise, and vaguely caught something along the lines of 'your own godfather too! How…?' when Hermione suddenly gasped.   
  
"Oh my god, Bulstrode!" Hermione choked out, expression caught between sympathy and mirth. Ever since second year at the dueling club, where the Slytherin girl had attempted decapitation of Hermione, she had never been fond of the bear-like girl. Hermione tugged at Harry's sleeve and pointed towards the Slytherin table.   
  
Harry's jaw dropped when he caught sight of the tall, beefily-built beater, huddled almost against the floor. If Sirius had been attempting to do some imitation of Medusa, he was by all accounts successful. Her usually mouse brown hair was a mass of hissing vipers, and her skin had the mashed pattern of crushed rock. Everyone at her table seemed to be caught between keeping as far away from Millicent Bulstrode and shooting death glares at Sirius' empty chair.   
  
His godfather must be getting reprimanded by Dumbledore, Harry noted worriedly.   
  
But Sirius had cursed her? That didn't seem possible. His always smiling, always cheerful, always forgiving godfather would do nothing of the sort. Harry had failed potions for two years straight, and Sirius never said a word of reprimand. He just grinned, and told him that he was rather proud that Harry had rather slim chances of becoming a Potions Master.   
  
His godfather, cursing a student? There must have been some mistake.   
  
Everyone seemed to be accusing Sirius of whatever happened to her. That was wrong. He had to correct that immediately. Especially after his friends' vague words about Sirius last night, Harry felt the urge to defend his godfather stronger than ever. Plus, he was beginning to feel rather sorry for Bulstrode, even if she had fractured his elbow the night before. And so, driven by those thoughts, Harry cautiously approached the Slytherin table.   
  
"Are you alright?" Harry carefully asked.   
  
Millicent Bulstrode seemed to shrink even further under the table before she recognized his voice. "Potter!" she seemed to be trying to sound angry, but that attempt fell pathetically short. "What are you doing here?"   
  
"I was wondering if you needed help," Harry managed, feeling awkward as increasing pairs of eyes turned to watch him. He gestured at his hair blindly with his wand. "You know, with those."   
  
Bulstrode' face hardened. "For _your_ help? Get away, you…!"   
  
"I'm offering to help!" Harry held out his hands disarmingly, but Bulstrode seemed to inflate more with anger.   
  
"You lying hypocrite! You're probably just like…"   
  
"I won't make it worse! It's just a counter curse. There, see?" Harry stuffed his wand back in his pocket and slowly began backing away. He was beginning to regret coming here to begin with; Bulstrode only seemed to hate him more.   
  
Bulstrode abruptly fell silent. She fingered her now smooth her between her fingers tentatively, and slowly lifted her tiny, beady eyes to meet his. "Oh," she whispered.   
  
Harry cleared his throat uneasily. The thought of clearing Sirius' name had evaporated after Bulstrode's shrieked accusations.   
  
Bulstrode averted her gaze, her cheeks tingling slightly pink. It looked odd on her large, square face, like some large dab of paint on rock. "Thank you."   
  
Harry only faintly registered her voice. He forced a smile on his face, awkwardly backing away and trying to not appear too obvious at the same time.   
  
Bulstrode ducked her head, making a sound that seemed almost like… a giggle? Was he imagining things?   
  
"You're really nice," she whispered almost shyly. "And really cute."   
  
Harry must have planted his foot over a crevasse in the rock, because his balance suddenly shifted too far to the right. Harry staggered, grabbing the edge of the table to keep from falling. "Wha… what?" his voice came out like a strangled croak.   
  
Bulstrode blushed even more, timidly twirling her fingers in her lap. "Would you go out with me?"   
  
This time, Harry did fall.   
  
  
  
  
  
*   
  
  
  
  
  
That was… random. Sorry about that! This isn't very good. It really obviously flakes off towards the end, but I was running out of time and really had to rush it. I got that little burst of inspiration, and tried to use it for PoM, only everything I wrote came out sarcastic and thought I better use it for GI instead. Humm… GI isn't really humor, is it? It's just light-hearted, and beyond that, not really funny. It's odd though. I never really thought that humor fics were plotless and random, aren't those categorized as parodies? Humm… perhaps I should change the category of this one? Accck! The last chapter was funnier, but that isn't saying much. *sigh*   
  
Sorry about the Harry cousin mistake in the last chapter! I guess I could sort of try to say that after what happened with the Dursleys in Of Western Stars, Sirius no longer considers Harry anywhere remotely related to the Dursleys? That sounds like a pathetic attempt for an excuse doesn't it? *sigh*   
  
Bulstrode is the girl in book two who appeared in the dueling club with Draco and the rest. She seems really… odd in here, doesn't she? Screaming at Harry one minute and then becoming all squealy on him the next. Umm… my only excuse is… moodswings? Ack ack ack. She's quite… beefy. Imagine Goyle or Crabbe, only female, and you'll get the idea of what she looks like. *evil cackle*   
  
Von, thank you so much! You have no idea how much your review inspired me! That was where I got the idea for Bulstrode actually, and the rest just wrote itself. Sirius is very widely feared! And Harry's terribly oblivious! The poor kid doesn't even know about Sirius' old reputation. Harry does still have his neck scar, although it was never mentioned. It's hard to tie it into the middle of a scene though. Clawtracks? Well, I suppose he would have experienced it, although… humm… Clawtracks isn't complete yet, so its hard to say.   
  
*sigh* Lily of the Valley, you died... again! And so did Jade S. And Rainbow. And Shei, but she's not really dead, just boycotting ffNET. And a lot of other people *burns incense and lights candles in mourning*   
  
Jedi Cosmos, does Harry seem unnaturally naive? He came out seemingly like he was... fourteen in his chapter. His instincts were all in the wrong places, though. He hears whispers and reaches for his wand *sigh* the poor kid will never get a clue. Humor is really hard to write. I am in awe of you, being able to write great humor and light-hearted fics. Are you going to continue Catch and Order of the Phoenix? Those are great stories, and I've been chewing my lip and waiting for you to update. How was your Turkey trip, by the way?   
  
MunchingRobin, that's an interesting idea. Sirius or Snape, who most intimidates the girls *evil cackle* Sirius will be horrified at the thought. Ginny? Umm... she hasn't made much of an appearance, has she? *sigh*   
  
fishyfishy, if you die laughing, it's really not my fault! *hides* oh my, Ron giving Harry the boy talk *blink blink* Harry will be completely bewildered.   
  
panther, it's great to know you enjoyed it! I do have some difficulty imagining Harry and Sirius in anything else but a father/son relationship too. It isn't what Rowling intended, that's for sure. Although we still have a serious dearth of Sirius in the HP books so far *sighs wistfully* Harry's still absolutely clueless, as always. *grins* the poor kid has no idea what's going on.   
  
Lady Knight of Kennan, well, Good Intentions is where I go to work off extra steam. Sometimes, when the urge to write comes, but its an odd urge to write dialogue rather than description, I either write PoM flashbacks or GI. Its sort of... weird that way. That's probably why there were so many PoM flashbacks towards the end. CoS *hides* that's getting difficult, since the confrontation is coming so soon.   
  
Lucy, Sirius does seem a bit... scary, doesn't he? He wasn't as scary in here, but still quite... disturbing. Pacing is hard,especially with school! And CoS seems to be falling behind. Ack...   
  
Ari, how is school going?   
  
Allocin, ack! I forgot to reply to your message on the gbook. Gimme until this afternoon Pacific time. Accck! I'm so sorry!   
  
kaydee, Sirius does defend Harry a bit like the way a father would be of his daughter, now that you mention it. It's really... odd. I suppose that makes an interesting story, doesn't it? Fathers tend to be waay more overprotective of daughters. That's probably where the 'daddy's little girl' term came from. Hermi and Harry? humm... I'm trying to avoid couples in this story. There are so many variations in pairings. A lot of people seem to like Ginny...   
  
Shades, you're right. I didn't realize until after I posted it, but the last chapter did have some of those connotations.   
  
waai! I really want to reply to all the reviews! But then it was going to take too long, and... wow. This is amazing. A humor fic which I was having an ulcer over... this is amazing! I expected a few flames but everyone was so supportive. Wow... thank you all so much for your encouragements!   
  
Umm... not much time to write from now on. Would you like to see another PoM or CoS chapter?   
  



	3. little godsons in bizarre situations, bi...

Disclaimer: all characters belong to J K Rowling and Warner brothers.   
  
a/n story dedicated to Rainbow and Ari for inspiring me with this idea! And Von, whom I am seriously considering kidnapping and forcing by wand point to be my humor muse. She keeps popping these brilliant ideas that… there's no other way to describe them. After I read her review, I had to finish this chapter despite CoS' calling. All the credit of this chapter must go to her!   
  
Please read Of Western Stars before you read this fic, otherwise, things will get very confusing!   
  
  
  
**Good Intentions**  
By neutral   
  
  
  
Chapter three - of clueless godsons, and not so clueless godfathers   
  
  
  
"**WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!**" Sirius' enraged shout sent a few stray girls that had been strategically eavesdropping by the teachers' dorms scrambling for their common rooms.   
  
Remus flinched, nearly tipping his tray of butterbeers. Sighing, he purposely knocked the tray against his friend's elbow, but Sirius didn't even notice.   
  
Ever since they left Dumbledore's office earlier that afternoon (Sirius looked decidedly triumphant throughout Dumbledore's entire lecture. Snape looked ready to fling the closest object, which fortunately was Fawkes and therefore not plausible, at his archenemy's head), they had received earfuls of rumors. Remus had to drag him to the dorms almost by wand point to make sure he didn't barge into the dining hall and cause more serious damage. But Harry had chosen the unfortunate day to drop by, and when he slowly began to recount the earlier disaster…   
  
Bulstrode? Remus could feel his stomach sinking. As much as he tried to encourage Harry join the mainstream teens and haul Sirius back by the scruff of his collar, he was beginning to have second thoughts. Not even those Hufflepuffs were as bad as Millicent Bulstrode!   
  
He was going to have a talk with that girl soon, with Sirius and his wand if necessary. Remus bit the inside of his cheek, and discovering where his thoughts had been straying, felt like banging his head against the table. He was beginning to sound just like Sirius…   
  
Remus sighed again, glancing at his friend out of the corner of his eye.   
  
Sirius was on his feet, eyes saucer sized and face morphing into an alarming shade of red. He wheezed for breath, clutching his chest as if it was bordering on heart failure.   
  
"What…" Sirius choked out, making an admirable attempt to sound calm but nonetheless failing. "did Bulstrode ask you?"   
  
Harry's head met the oak table with a loud clunk that echoed through Sirius and Remus' dorms. "She…"   
  
"… she…?" Sirius repeated slowly. His voice sounded a little frayed, but he was gritting his teeth too hard to notice.   
  
"Umm…" Harry gulped, slowly lifting his head. "asked me…"   
  
"She asked you out?" Remus softly interjected. He patted Harry reassuringly on the head despite the increasing sense of horror in the back of his mind. "What did you say…?"   
  
Remus' hand suddenly flew to his mouth, face contorting into a grimace of pain. Under the table, Sirius was resolutely grinding the heel of his boot against Remus' foot.   
  
"I'm sure she did not!" Sirius hissed through clenched teeth. "We just heard wrong earlier, _didn't we_?"   
  
Remus jabbed his elbow against Sirius' ribs _hard_.   
  
Harry cleared his throat uneasily. He had never seen his godfather so flustered; the glint in his eyes were unnerving. "Umm… she did, actually."   
  
Sirius' face fell. Remus managed to twist free from under Sirius' boot, and hobbled to a chair nursing his foot. Sirius had been wearing dragonhide boots, and all he had on were slippers! He was going to retaliate later, Remus schemed as he massaged his foot, when Harry is out of the room.   
  
"I was going to speak to her this morning. Someone had cursed her, and they all saying it was Padfoot," Harry was still obliviously trying to explain, waving his hand to gesture agitatedly. "I thought I should clear it up, since it obviously was a lie."   
  
Out of the corner of his eye, Remus noticed Sirius' face pale a few shades. He looked as if he couldn't decide between guilt, horror, or disbelief.   
  
"I took the curse off. Then…" Harry's voice drifted when he noticed the expression on Remus' face. "Moony, are you alright? What happened to your foot?"   
  
Remus was pretty sure Sirius blanched a few more shades. "I…"   
  
"… kicked the chair on accident. He was so shocked," Sirius sharply cut him off, condescendingly patting Remus on the head. Leaning over the table, he placed his hands firmly on his godson's shoulders and stubbornly proceeded to stare him down. "Harry, what did you tell her?"   
  
Harry gulped again. Sheepishly, he sunk lower in his chair. "Well…"   
  
"You said no, didn't you?" Sirius asked in a low whisper. Remus noted with some amount of admiration and disappointment that Sirius managed to keep his tone soothing. The menacing gleam in his eyes was carefully hidden away from his godson.   
  
Harry, of course, was oblivious. He fiddled with his sleeve listlessly, "I…" his words died and a blush flooded his cheeks. "Well, no."   
  
Sirius looked floored.   
  
"I walked really quickly out of the room," Harry timidly finished. He looked embarrassed at just the memory; his face matching a tomato with stunning accuracy.   
  
Remus floundered slightly trying to piece together what Harry meant exactly, and his mind conjured up a vivid image of Harry madly fleeing the Great Hall.   
  
_ Harry ran?   
  
_ After defeating Voldemort's minion, killing a basilisk, escaping the clutches of the strongest Dark Lord in history three times in a row, Harry ran from a girl. A really ugly girl, Remus had to understand, but she wasn't life threatening. Remus wasn't sure whether to be upset, amused, or just plainly horrified.   
  
Sirius perked up. If he had been in his dog form, Remus was sure that his ears would have been vertical and his tail furiously lashing at air. "Really?"   
  
"I didn't know what to say!" Harry said in a rush, misinterpreting their shocked expressions by miles. "That never happened to me before, and I didn't expect… She must have been so upset. I have to speak with her later…"   
  
"No!!" Harry jumped at Sirius' sudden shout, and Sirius lowered his voice immediately. "No, don't worry about it, Harry. I'll take care of it, okay?"   
  
_Oh no_. Despite how unlikable Bulstrode was, he still couldn't help hide the surge of pity that came at Sirius' declaration. Remus cleared his throat nervously, "Sirius, I think that Harry should…"   
  
"I'll take care of it," Sirius repeated, aiming another kick at Remus' shin under the table. "Don't worry, Harry, I'll take care of everything."   
  
  
  
// _  
  
"Can you believe it?! Bulstrode tried to ask Harry out. The nerve of her!"   
  
"At least it didn't work out. Otherwise, what would become of him?"   
  
"He would be spoiled…" A dramatic sob.   
  
"Humph. At least Professor Black taught her a lesson."   
  
A long silence.   
  
"I almost feel sorry for her…"   
  
"You what?! Traitor!"   
  
"Well, I…"   
  
"Get out immediately!"   
  
"But…"   
  
"You're suppose to be one of us! You're suppose to be loyal in pursuit! How could you feel sorry for someone with the likes of _her_?"   
  
"But you can't make me leave! Harry's going to start changing soon!"   
  
"What?! How dare you call him Harry! Leave!!"   
  
"How could you be so cruel?!"   
  
_ \\   
  
  
  
"Give me another minute," Harry called over his shoulder, kicking off his shoes and nesting the wand in a careful position where it was easily accessible. "You can start practicing without me, Ron, it doesn't really matter."   
  
"Alright. Be quick though, we have to leave early with Hermione. She wants to start studying for exams," Ron shouted from the doorway.   
  
Harry gave his friend a nod of acknowledgement, and began drawing his clothes from the compartment. The first game had been a victory, but the only won by a marginal forty points. If they wanted the quidditch cup this year, they would have to secure it by crushing the Hufflepuffs. Ravenclaw was far too difficult to conquer, but…   
  
"Harry?"   
  
Harry glanced up curiously, a bit bewildered by the nervous expression on Ron's face. "Is something wrong?" he cautiously asked.   
  
Ron nodded, glancing around uneasily as if searching for eavesdroppers. "About that Bulstrode incident…"   
  
_Oh_. He had almost forgotten about it. It had been three days ago, and since then, there were so many exams that he could do nothing but bury himself in the potion's textbook and pray that Snape wouldn't unleash his revenge on him. Snape's resentment of him bordered on outright hatred, especially after the potion's professor's numerous confrontations with his godfather.   
  
Harry couldn't help but blush at just the awkward memory of the tall, beefy girl shyly whispering to him. He felt almost guilty at feeling terrified.   
  
"You told Sirius, didn't you?"   
  
_What did that have anything to do with it?_ Harry wondered. Wordlessly, he nodded.   
  
Ron cleared his throat, looking even more unsettled as he plowed boldly forward. "Harry, you really should know… I mean, you see… I don't know how I should say this. Sirius is probably going to kill me!"   
  
"Why would Sirius want to kill you?" Harry asked, perplexed. "Sirius would do nothing of the sort."   
  
Ron snorted, mumbling under his breath. Harry could just barely pick out the words of _'you have no idea'_ in his senseless babble.   
  
"Listen, Harry, do you know where Bulstrode is?" Ron tentatively asked.   
  
Harry opened his mouth to answer the rather obvious question, but hesitated. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen her sitting at the table recently. Not since the after she asked him out. But hadn't Sirius mentioned…?   
  
"She's visiting her mother, Sirius told be on Tuesday," Harry muttered thoughtfully. "He says she's ill, and its very serious. She'll probably be gone for a while."   
  
"Very serious indeed," Ron echoed indignantly. He sighed, frowning grimly at the cement floor. "You see, Bulstrode is in the infirmary…"   
  
Bulstrode was with her mother's in the infirmary? Why was she there? Wouldn't it be more logical if Mrs. Bulstrode was placed in St. Mungo's instead? But perhaps she wanted to be closer to her daughter?   
  
"Oh, well, I hope she gets better soon," Harry said awkwardly. "It's really sad that something like that happened to her."   
  
Ron looked surprised for a brief moment, but he quickly broke into a relieved smile. "I knew you'd understand!" Ron said brightly, slapping Harry on the back. "I knew you couldn't possibly be that thick. Hurry up and change for practice!"   
  
Harry watched Ron jog outside again with light steps, as if a burden had been released from his shoulders, and frowned in bewilderment. Since when was Ron that concerned for Bulstrode's mother? Shaking his head in confusion, Harry unfolded his quidditch uniform.   
  
The hair on the back on his neck prickled in warning, and he instantly stilled. Harry's hand instinctively snatched his wand with practiced fluidity. He had been trained for years on the arts of dueling; it was nearly second nature to him. Soundlessly, he glided with his back against the wall to expose as little of himself as possible, and lunged for the storage room door.   
  
The frame gave away under the cascade of brooms, balls, boxes, towels, and three large lumps that looked decidedly human. Harry leaped out of the way, aiming his wand carefully at the closest suspect.   
  
And paused in shock.   
  
"Ow…" one of them whispered, disentangling herself from the accessories and rubbing her back. It was a girl, and by the badge on her uniform, a Hufflepuff. "I told you two to be stay still!"   
  
"It wasn't my fault!" another snapped, flicking the thick locks of hair from her face. "She hit me first!"   
  
The third rolled her eyes skyward. "Well, you're just such a bit…"   
  
Harry uneasily cleared his throat. "Excuse me?"   
  
At the sound of his voice, the three girls froze as if petrified. As if moving through clay, they sluggishly turned around and stared at him. One of them blushed brightly, and Harry brief wondered if she was slightly feverish. Another coughed, and the one who spoke first slowly dragged herself to her feet.   
  
What were three girls doing in the boy's changing room? Harry couldn't help but wonder as he stared at them gaping. Noticing he was still pinning them with his wand, Harry quickly lowered his hand and took a step back.   
  
They all coughed at that action, although it sounded suspiciously like giggles.   
  
"What are you…?" Harry gestured vaguely in their direction, feeling unusually self conscious. Their gazes felt oddly penetrating.   
  
"Oh, we're…" the first one began, shyly fiddling with her hair.   
  
"We got lost!" another piped in.   
  
And somehow wandered into the boy's changing room? Harry mused in shock. But they probably didn't play quidditch and never really been on the field.   
  
"Oh, I see," Harry murmured understandingly. "That's alright. There's no one here, so I guess you could sneak out really quickly. Where were you trying to go?"   
  
The girl choked, glancing at her friend with a pointed stare. "Umm… to…"   
  
"The infirmary!"   
  
All three of them furiously bobbed their heads.   
  
"I'm slightly sick," said another. For emphasis, she coughed delicately into her hand.   
  
She was wearing unusually thin clothes for this weather. Harry noticed the skirt that cropped above her knees and the almost sleeveless shirt that she wore with sympathy. "Would you like to borrow my cloak? You look a bit cold," Harry offered with a tentative smile.   
  
"Yes, please," she returned the smile with half laden eyes, bringing her arms under her chest in a way that made her shirt look even more low cut.   
  
She did seem very cold.   
  
"I don't know if I lead you to the infirmary," Harry explained as he reached for his cloak. "Practice is beginning soon, but if you want, I can find someone to help you out."   
  
"No, that's quite alright!"   
  
The three of them all furiously shook their heads.   
  
Slightly baffled, Harry watched the three in confusion for a short moment. An innate instinct in the back of his head told him to be wary. But they obviously had no malicious intent, that much was obvious. Shrugging inwardly, Harry held out his cloak with a warm grin. The girl with the scandalously scanty clothes accepted it with a wide smile of her own, and for a minute, he could have sworn the two other girls were glowering darkly. Harry quickly backed away, belatedly noticing that the girl was clutching his hand instead of his cloak with a bone crushing grip. She seemed to be slowly dragging him forward, and as Harry dithered to find his balance, his foot snagged a crevasse on the floor. With a muffled cry of alarm, he tripped backwards and fell hard on the hard tiles. The floor squeezed the air out of his lungs with one solid slap. Harry coughed hoarsely as he fought to regain his breath.   
  
There was a weight on his chest, and Harry was dully reminded of the time he lost a game of tug of war and Padfoot sat on him in his dog form. It took possibly more than two minutes for him to notice why it was so hard to breathe.   
  
Harry choked. The Hufflepuffs were sprawled over him -- although how they got there he had no idea -- and one of the girls had her face uncomfortably close to his neck.   
  
"Ah… excuse me! I'm really sorry!" Harry stuttered in horror. He struggled to crawl away, trying to be as polite as he could, but the cloak had completely ensnarled him in a cocoon. He could only move one of his arms.   
  
"That's quite alright," one of them muttered, but she sounded oddly giddily. "I lost my balance too."   
  
Harry was certain the closest one had said it; there was a sinking feeling that he just felt her teeth against his neck.   
  
"Could you please stand up?" Harry asked, embarrassed.   
  
"Right! Of course…"   
  
There was a rustle of movement, and the girls slowly removed themselves. Harry drew a relieved breath, but before he could turn and move out of the way, one of them lost her balance again and all three showered over him like oversized boulders. The girl's face came crashing down right over his own. Cringing, Harry struggled in a frenzied attempt to free himself, feeling more mortified by the minute. But tangled in his cloak, all he could do was trash helplessly, until he was caught in a mass of hands, legs, and arms and he wasn't even sure if his glasses were still on his face. For a brief moment, he could have sworn he felt a hand that was definitely not his own _under_ his shirt.   
  
Distantly, there was an enraged shout.   
  
  
  
  
  
*   
  
  
  
  
  
Ack! A shorter chapter than usual. But the rest of the chapter takes a different turn so it probably shouldn't have been joined in with this one. There will actually be another chapter of GI before the story comes to a close. It's really odd. Writing this is addicting, since its so much easier and doesn't require much thinking. The humor is hard, but writing the senseless in betweens is fun. Its kind of like PoM flashbacks. Especially after doing homework, GI is like a hot shower on a rainy day. This'll will probably be finished before next week, its nice to get another story out of the way. Ack, I'm so sorry!! CoS is still in the works... ack ack ack.   
  
This chapter's odd… *sigh* there's really no other way to describe it I suppose, although I swear, I did not intend the things to be that extreme! All they were going to do was fall on Harry, but the second part… ack… I don't know where that came from!   
  
Ron attempts the plunge by hinting to Harry about the truth, but sadly, Harry misinterpreted it by miles. The poor kid is hopeless. But he does have nice reflexes when it comes to battling. umm... I'm going to avoid bashing. Expect a looong bash at the end of the story.   
  
_ **aniwda** [Sirius is evil! very, very evil he is], **me** [ack, sorry about that! PoM doesn't end on a very settling note. There will be another chapter up before the end of the year], **AllAboutMe** [thanks!], **Rei** [Harry is definitely oblivious! the girls will find a way], **Gaby** [ack! your email is still on my computer, it's been nearly a month. I will reply! There will be flashbacks for PoM, just not so much about the orphanage anymore], **Sandrine Black** [head stuck in the sand is a wonderful way to put it! Well, actually, this doesn't really focus about Harry getting into a relationship. I can't write romance, so I'm avoiding it altogether. You see mostly Harry getting in terrible situations and Sirius cracking his knuckles], **The One and Only Amazing Typo** [love the penname!], **ginny5** [Sirius is... somewhat crazy, now that you mention it. Obsessive he is definitely], **Emerald Phoenix524** [fear not! nothing terrible came of it], **Allocin** [I've been loading CoS in pieces, so it's probably confusing. oh my, does she really? now I'm worried. Should I visit Britian anytime soon?], **-_-** [there will be more CoS very soon. very, very soon!], **Sparkle Tangerine** [oh my, Harry turning gay because of all of Sirius' desperate efforts? oh my...], **ccsgirl** [thank you!], **depth** [Sirius wasn't too delighted, that's for sure. Bulstrode could be an interesting character though, it would have been fun if Harry said yes just because he was too embarrassed to say no], **Lucy** [yes, I am alive! happy birthday! how old are you now? did you have a big party and a big cake? wah, remind me again, I have to write a PoM thing for your dedication! Yes, definitely! Harry needs some proof to know that Sirius is insane. I'm planning something for it next chapter, it'll be... fun. Harry doesn't know anything about living, just surviving. *sigh*], **Dark Whispers** [CoS will come soon, I swear! I know that's been neglected lately, but its nearing a rather difficult point, and its... difficult to write. ack!], **ratgirl** [thank you! umm... all my other fics are drama, so I've been trying to keep GI away from it.], **Nagini** [soon, CoS will come soon! No Harry/anything, don't worry! It's more like... Harry + cluelessness if anything], **Gia** [thank you!], **Dog Stars Crush** [sadly, he does not. Things are becoming stranger and stranger], **Embers of Fate** [thank you! your sister only reads fics with more than 500 reviews? humm... I suppose that's a way to save time if she doesn't have much. Ack, trust me, I'm not very good. There are so many more authors on this site I'm humbled compared to them. But over time, we'll all improve. it just takes practice! Remus is a really fun character to write, because it seems that in every fic, he remains relatively the same. he's always the calm voice of reason resolutely bashing down on something Sirius does. Harry's cute? really? It seems that the word cute has always been attached to Harry in the WS verse story, its really odd. maybe its the obliviousness? oh my, overprotective big brother! how scary! does he give all your guy friends a hard time?], **WeasleyTwinsLover1112** [no, no, I'm not that evil! I wouldn't even be able to write it. tell me when you have PL ready to post!], **lilyblue** [thank you! it was a harder to make it as senselessly funny with a plot at the same time, but... ack. this one becomes even less funny], **Anti Pasta** [love the name! do you like Pasta? it is rather fun to write something light hearted after a stressful school day. I understand you perfectly. WS is depressing and it made me feel guilty writing it, and CoS... ack, that's just cruel], **summersun** [definitely! Sirius is pissed.], **Lucerito-del-alba** [Sirius is hard to stomach? well, he is a bit... out there. I'm glad you enjoyed it nevertheless. Thank you!], **Shichan** [thank you! I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well], **Sea Chelle** [Harry's completely clueless as to what's happening! he wouldn't even understand if some girl kissed him. Harry lives in an entirely different lifestyle, so he doesn't really understand things as basic as getting a girlfriend. really, you'd be admiring him? even with Sirius as an threat?], **Si Monyet Kecil** [your penname sounds really familiar! Where did it come from?], **Wishful Thinker** [alas, he is clueless! CoS will come soon!], **lady knight of kennan** [no, no, definitely don't start on new fics! i have muses for that too, but I always beat them down. it's agonizing, it really is. So more Ron and Hermy then? Hermy's getting neglected in this story], **Autumn Ice** [how did you like PoM? ack, ends rather unsettlingly, doesn't it?], **Rainbow** [you're alive! yay! that's good to know! I uploaded PoM on the original hiatus note, so you did actually review it. I think Fido is really evil, but *sigh* what can we do? Out of the Night has disappeared! Are you planning an update soon? Harry has been completely sheltered, since Sirius is so obsessive. I hope you don't stay dead, you must live at least a little!], **Blizzard** [Sirius is very much wanting to kill her! Harry... runs. Poor guy, he has no clue how to react], **Tory** [I suppose its probably because humor becomes addicting after a while, but GI is definitely going to be my last humor fic. after a while though, it grows on you. Classics are great too, sometimes, there aren't enough of those completed.], **Sara Minks** [thank you! I hope you enjoyed CoS!], **Brighid** [thank you! It's great that you thought it was humorous! Your fic is wonderful, I'm sorry I've never reviewed it, I'm definitely going to once I scrap enough time to leave a long review. It really deserves one. I hope you have another chapter ready soon!], **Krissy** [thank you!], **you didn't leave a name but its great you took the time to review** [will do!], **Von** [once again, you poured the fuel to this chapter! that is what happened with the girls being discovered, and falling on him, and getting a little feeling up before someone unfortunately barges in. Flinging them over the stairwell, you have no idea how tempting that was! Although, alas, they fell out of a closet and not stairs. Perhaps Sirius can attempt that with the next unfortunate victim... Snape? I'd love to incorporate some Snape banging, but I can't figure out how to incorporate it! *sighs ruefully* it would be so fun to write. Sirius has got some serious issues, but so does Harry. And so does Ms. Shameless for that matter. Ron, Hermione, and the Hufflepuffs know nothing about his scar. Harry isn't the type who would readily admit something like that to them. The Dursleys left quite a number of scars on him... humm... I must kidnap you as my muse. you have such wonderful ideas! thank you so much!], **Jedi Cosmos** [Harry makes so much sense as someone naive, doesn't he? Rowling's Harry isn't that naive, but being extreme is fun. Remus was quite amusing too! For some reason, I think that he's one of those guardians who encourage a lot when you're still innocent, but once you start following his dating advice, suddenly changes his mind. Hide & Seek is great! I really hope you don't take as long to update as Catch, that was agonizing! Hide & Seek... humm... I'm obsessed about that fic. I've been trying to figure out what its going to be about with Monster's Inc. and the title, and so far, it's not very helpful. Arug! Post soon! GI is going to be slightly longer than as planned, but it ends at a very odd note. ack, I shouldn't have told you that!], **carmsfic** [poor Harry, definitely!], **Kaydee** [you know, I should start posting at ACKisms, that's been getting neglected. *sigh* I am addicted to writing drama. I can't help it! What can we say, Sirius is a guy who makes tons of waves. Whereever he goes, he goes with a bang. So you like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest now? How's it going?], **webweaver** [thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. How did you like CD? It's one of my older ones and doesn't flow very smoothly... ack], **stormyfire** [that's great! thank you!], **Lady Arwan of Rivendell** [no, no, so many ideas from the last chapter of GI came from Von's review. She has the most brilliant humor ideas. I have a ML, would you like to join that for updates?], **you left no name but thank you for reviewing** [well, you'll see!], **MeShelly** [that is true, now that you mention it. Harry has this unflattering faith in Sirius' good character, its rather disturbing. But its rather sad that Sirius feels he'd lose Harry's trust if he tells him anything about what he's like before. And those stalker girls *cringe* well, that'll be... disturbing. She definitely doesn't seem like the type who would as out Harry, but it was still fun to torture him! I updated PoM, although it doesn't end really nicely. ack!], **Fickle** [thank you!], **Nacasara** [yes you are! where have you been?! *nod nod* Sirius will have his vengeance!]_   
  



	4. little godsons and big godfathers victim...

Disclaimer: all characters belong to J K Rowling and Warner brothers.   
  
a/n Ack... this chapter isn't nearly as humorous as the previous chapters, I guess its because my humor muse is burning itself out and I really should get this out before it completely dies on me. It's really scrapping the bottom of the pan though, but hopefully, it won't be too disappointing.   
  
Please read **Of Western Stars** before you read this fic, otherwise, things will get very confusing!   
  
  
  
**Good Intentions**  
By neutral   
  
  
  
Chapter four - godsons and godfathers victims of stalker obsessed girls   
  
  
  
He had every reason to be bailing out on a class that he was suppose to teach, Sirius reminded himself firmly. Despite what Remus had repeatedly said, Sirius knew the soiled truth. It was only natural that he'd hide his godson from it, he was only a child after all! He had to make sure Harry didn't come of harm.   
  
As much as Bulstrode was despised by the rest of the female population of Hogwarts, her actions were still revolutionary. For the first time in history, a girl had dared to ask Harry Potter to be her boyfriend. Now, all of them were following her paved road, ignoring the Sirius' best attempts to beat them down with a stick. He had tried to make an example of such idiocy, but all of them were blind. Wasn't the message clear enough? Approach Harry and suffer the consequences. The Ravenclaws understood, but the Hufflepuffs… oh god. Sirius' hand was itching to wring their necks.   
  
Most of his earliest girlfriends were Hufflepuffs, Sirius dully recalled. Shameless, they were. But he wasn't about to admit that to his godson, otherwise, he'd have to explain how he came to that knowledge.   
  
Sirius ruefully sighed aloud as he traced the path to the field. What would Harry say if he discovered his past dating, troublemaking history? Ever since he was a six year old boy, Harry held him in a sort of reverent admiration. Sirius was flawless, a bit rough at the edges but still the most wonderful godfather in the world in his mind. If he knew… Sirius could just see the blind faith Harry placed on him erupting in a mass of flames. Sirius gritted his teeth.   
  
Quidditch practice had already started. Sirius lingered at the stands, watching the red blurs streak overhead. Fred and George Weasley were batting around bludgers like some ridiculous game of catch that Sirius remembered playing at their age. They were skilled but, he noted with some amount of guilty pride, they never placed as many people as he did in the hospital wing. He probably shouldn't be thrilled about that. Sirius shrugged and resumed watching the game, searching with practiced proficiency for the hovering player far above the rest.   
  
There was no seeker.   
  
Sirius was instantly wary. _Something was definitely wrong. Harry was never late for practice. Could something have happened? Could another girl have cornered Harry in the hallway? The poor boy would even know what to say or how to react if she kissed him! But those girls wouldn't dare, would they…?_   
  
"What's taking Harry so long?" a voice that Sirius recognized as Ron's shouted from above. "I checked on him in the dressing room at least ten minutes ago!"   
  
That was all Sirius needed to hear before he was already sprinting for the dressing rooms. He tore down the side stairs and made a beeline for the oak doors at the base of the stadium. There doors flew open with a carefully aimed kick, and Sirius gasped for breath at the doorway.   
  
And froze at the sight.   
  
Harry was… _on the floor_. Three girls were _on_ Harry _on the floor_.   
  
That was all his mind registered before Sirius running forward, peeling off the Hufflepuffs by the back of their shirts. He knew they were desperate, but goddammit, he didn't think they were that desperate! His poor godson… Harry's going to be so traumatized, as if he hadn't been through enough!   
  
Sirius dumped the first one unceremoniously on the floor. The other stripped off like a fire burning a tick when Sirius hauled her away by the scruff of her neck, but the last girl was stuck like a leech. Sirius fought the urge to wrap his fingers around her neck and throttle her when he noticed where her hand was.   
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Sirius snarled. He latched onto her arm and savagely tugged, but she apparently never released Harry's shirt. There was a distinct sound of shredding fabric, followed by a pop as a button snapped off. She gave a startled and almost reluctant squeak when she recognized his voice. Sirius half threw, half kicked her away.   
  
The girls stared at him in wide eyed horror. Sirius whipped his wand out with a honed preciseness, already whispering the first curse that came to his mind.   
  
But his godson was right behind him.   
  
Sirius clamped his jaw down instantly at that realization. It wouldn't do for Harry to see him hexing three Hufflepuffs to oblivion. Sirius drew his lips back in a vicious snarl, and the girls scattered like harassed little hamsters.   
  
"Ow… Sirius?" there was a slight rustle as Harry dragged himself upright. He sounded bewildered and a bit dazed as he spoke.   
  
"Are you alright?" Sirius asked, the anger evaporated in an instant as he turned around. But at Harry's rumpled appearance, he felt another snarl coming to his face. Harry's normally untamed hair was ruffled almost beyond recognition, and his cheeks were flushed bright red in embarrassment. His glasses were skewed and hanging by his ear. "What did those girls do to you?!" Sirius couldn't help but snap angrily. "And… your shirt!"   
  
Harry's whole left shoulder was nearly bare. The tear in his shirt ran up dangerously from the helm to the collar, giving a rather fine testimony of why those girls were after his flesh in the first place.   
  
Harry blinked at him, a bit baffled, before looking down. "_Oh_." And he flushed like a rip tomato.   
  
Sirius choked. _His poor innocent, oblivious, clueless godson! He was going to skin those girls alive…_   
  
Juggling the two instincts of preying after the three scoundrels with a wand and giving Harry a hug and assuring him that nothing of the sort will ever happen again, Sirius picked up the discarded cloak on the floor and draped it over Harry's shoulders.   
  
"You see, they got lost, and… umm… somehow wandered here," Harry stumbled over his words while trying to explain. Sirius inwardly sighed as he secured the cloak around his godson's neck.   
  
"I sort of lost my balance, and fell. I think they fell too, and…"   
  
"She fell and ripped your shirt open like that?!" Sirius choked in a hoarse shout. The last shred of self control was immediately stripped away.   
  
Harry's faltered slightly. He nervously shifted from side to side, "It was an accident though. Why are you angry?"   
  
Sirius let his head fall forward in defeat. Drawing several deep, calming breaths, Sirius managed to plaster a semi convincing smile on his face. "Come on."   
  
"What?" Harry muttered in bewilderment as Sirius began hauling him forward. "Where are we going?"   
  
"Teacher's dorm." Sirius half dragged, half guided Harry out of the dressing rooms. "You're evidence to convince Moony."   
  
"But I have practice," Harry protested weakly as he stumbled after his godfather, trying to keep up. "Wait… what evidence?"   
  
"You look tired," Sirius said stoically. He shot a glare at the closest girl who glanced Harry's way, fingering his wand discreetly. Hermione's eyes widened in confusion.   
  
"I'm not really tired," Harry insisted, but Sirius' grip on his arm was locked. "I don't see why…"   
  
"Yes, you are. Anyone would be after getting mauled by those…" Sirius clamped his mouth shut again. "I'm going to kill them," Sirius hissed under his breath.   
  
Harry stared. "Huh? What?"   
  
  
  
  
  
The door to the joint living room that he and Sirius shared flew open with a grating screech. Remus reeled out of his stool in surprise, mug raised midway to his lips. And instantly knew something had gone terribly, terribly wrong.   
  
Sirius marched in, his godson in tow, with a scowl engraved in his features that could set Severus' infamous glower to shape. Harry stumbled bewilderingly after him, and Remus noted with some surprise, that he was wearing his cloak in the cozy Hogwarts halls.   
  
"Harry, what are you doing here? Don't you have practice?" Remus asked somewhat wearily.   
  
"Harry is not going today," Sirius hissed.   
  
The hair on the back of Remus' neck prickled in warning at his friend's tone of voice. Glancing back at Harry, Remus noted that the boy was unusually flushed.   
  
_ Oh no, something had definitely happened. It couldn't be another repeat of the Bulstrode incident, could it? The poor girl…   
  
_ "But I should have at least told Ron before I left," Harry paused thoughtfully, and all the confusion suddenly morphed into a restrained calm. "Is there something wrong? Did something happen?"   
  
"Actually, no," Remus said cautiously, edging slowly backwards.   
  
Sirius snarled mutely at him, and Remus' hand instinctively sought his wand. But by some miracle, Sirius managed to scrape that off his face when he turned to face Harry. "Harry, go take a shower."   
  
"Wh… what?" Harry stuttered out, blinking in confusion.   
  
"I'll get you something warm to drink, alright?" Sirius continued soothingly. He spoke to his godson as if speaking to a trauma patient, but as to why, Remus was completely clueless. One glimpse at Harry's face told him that he flared no better.   
  
"Umm… Padfoot, are you alright?" Harry quietly asked.   
  
Sirius narrowed his eyes.   
  
"Err… okay… I'll just go take a shower now," Harry muttered, sneaking a glance at Remus before slowly shuffling to the door that led to the dorms.   
  
Remus' eye caught a fleeting glimpse of Harry shirt when his cloak flapped, and frowned. Did he get into a fistfight? "Harry, what happened to your shirt?"   
  
Harry blushed even more, if it was at all possible. "There were three Hufflepuffs who got lost, and… umm… they wandered into the storage room of our dressing room…"   
  
"Wait, wait, wait… what?!" Remus hoarsely croaked.   
  
"I know it sounds odd, but they probably never played quidditch before, so its completely understandable!" Harry said in a rush, growing increasingly flustered. "I think they must have grown really scared when they couldn't find the infirmary and hid in the storage room. Or wait, that doesn't make much sense, does it? Umm… they got lost…"   
  
Remus' stomach fell to his feet.   
  
_ Oh… **ooooooooh**…   
  
_ Oh no. Oh god.   
  
Since when were Hufflepuffs _this_ desperate? Peeking at Harry in the changing rooms?! Remus inwardly seethed. It was bad enough that Harry hadn't even been given the birds and the bees talk yet. This was going way too far!   
  
"One of them was dressed really thinly! I mean, her skirt was really short, so I offered to lend her my cloak, and when I handed it to her, she accidentally grabbed my hand instead of the cloak…"   
  
_ Accidentally?!?! The poor, innocent, clueless boy…   
  
_ "… sort of, fell on me. I guess they accidentally ripped my shirt too…"   
  
"She fell and ripped open your shirt like _that_?!" Remus was too caught in his shocked anger to notice his voice weakly resembled a horrified shriek.   
  
"You look angry too," Harry calmly observed, slightly baffled. "Sirius reacted the same way. But it's an accident; they weren't intentionally planning to slit my throat or anything like that."   
  
Remus slumped back on his stool in defeat. "Harry, go take a shower."   
  
  
  
  
  
The moment the door slid closed, Sirius flew into a rampage.   
  
"Didn't you hear that?! Remus, did you here that?!" Sirius madly paced the room, flinging out his arms in fury. "And you call me paranoid. Look what they're doing to Harry!"   
  
Remus held his breath, silently counting to ten.   
  
"Harry believes their story! I mean, how hard is it to fall on level ground?"   
  
"Very easily," Remus firmly insisted.   
  
"Only if you try very hard," Sirius hissed through clenched teeth.   
  
Remus uneasily cleared his throat. As much as he now despised those Hufflepuff girls (he did recall that Sirius was very intimate with a few Hufflepuffs back in their school years. This was almost ironic), more than just curses would fly if Sirius met them in the halls. He was beginning to worry for the safety of the general female population of Hogwarts.   
  
_ It was an accident_, Remus repeated in his head. He had to teach Hufflepuffs tomorrow, he didn't want to be thinking about how the girls had Harry pinned to the floor. He might accidentally follow in Sirius' footsteps.   
  
How horrifying.   
  
"Sirius," Remus began with his most calming, professor like tone. "Go to the kitchen. Get a knife. Get a carrot. Chop."   
  
Sirius bared his teeth in Remus' direction.   
  
"I'm going to kill them. I'm seriously going to kill them!" Sirius continued to resolutely burn a hole on the floor as he paced back and forth through the room. "Hiding in the storage room… peeking at him while he changed… My godson's getting rapped!"   
  
Remus choked for the third time that day. "It takes a little more than that to qualify as…"   
  
Sirius groaned, ranking his hand angrily through his shoulder length hair. "My six year old godson…"   
  
"Sixteen! Harry's sixteen!"   
  
"… by those gossiping, grappling Hufflepuffs! And the Slytherins too! Whose next?! McGonagall?!"   
  
Remus flinched at the mental image. Irritably, he rapped his fingers against the kitchen counter and steadily tried to count to twenty. "Sirius, I seriously doubt…"   
  
Sirius glumly scowled at the floor. "I'm drawing him out of Hogwarts right now."   
  
Remus buried his face in his hands. _Oh no, not this again…_   
  
  
  
  
  
//   
_  
"We're dead, we're dead, we're so dead!"   
  
"He's going to skin me alive…"   
  
"… hang me by my thumbs from the Astronomy Tower…"   
  
"… grab me by the hair and fling me over the stairwell tomorrow morning…"   
  
"What are we going to do?"   
  
"We're going to fight back!"   
  
"… what?"   
  
"Remove Professor Black."   
  
"Well, he's a bit hard to throw from the tower, isn't he…? And we can't quite fall on him either, although he is really hot…"   
  
Crickets.   
  
"… sometimes…"   
  
A long silence.   
  
Blush. "I'm only kidding."   
  
A suspicious glare.   
  
Cower.   
  
"See here. This is a banishing charm…"   
  
"… you're serious about removing him?!"   
  
"Well, of course!"   
  
"That looks difficult…"   
  
"…But it throws your enemy into…"   
  
"Someplace not here? This is a little vague…"   
  
"But that's not the point! We don't care where he goes, as long as he leaves, right?"   
  
Giggle. "Harry, we're coming!"   
  
Another lingering silence.   
  
"Err…"   
_  
\\   
  
  
  
  
  
"Draw me out of Hogwarts?" Harry asked mildly, peeking over the rim of his mug. "What for?"   
  
It wasn't the first time Sirius raged and roared over this issue, and Harry knew it wouldn't be the last. Sirius had threatened to draw him out of Hogwarts every year at least once. It usually followed a rather unfortunate encounter with his worst enemy, but it seemed that this year, Sirius had flung the issue at him rather early. He hadn't even met Voldemort yet, why was his godfather already panicking?   
  
Harry curiously examined his godfather's demeanor and then Remus' for good measure. Remus looked oddly… horrified, and even slightly irritated. That was an expression he never saw on the usually mild tempered professor. And Sirius was… furious. He was trying hard to hide it, Harry could tell, but he could see hints of the anger in his pale eyes.   
  
_ Why would they be angry?   
  
_ The only odd encounter he had that year was with those three girls. But that was hardly life threatening.   
  
So one of them ripped his shirt. He had other spare shirts, it didn't really matter. Another sort of… bit his neck, but he didn't think she was a vampire. It was daylight outside. Inwardly shrugging, Harry took another sip of his hot chocolate.   
  
"Umm…" Sirius was uncomfortable. That was odd. "because it's not safe."   
  
"The Moor House isn't any safer," Harry pointed out blankly.   
  
Remus blanched. "Sirius, this is hardly worth overreacting over."   
  
"Overreacting?!" Sirius screeched in disbelief. Glancing at Harry out of the corner of his eye, he drew a steadying breath and fought to restrain his temper. "It's safe from certain… aspects of life."   
  
Harry raised a bewildered eyebrow. "The wards are actually weaker though…"   
  
"This isn't about death eaters or Voldemort," Remus said with a wry smile. "Sirius is more worried about things like… g--"   
  
The blood drained from Remus' face; he cringed in his seat as if in pain. Abruptly, he lurched out of his seat and hobbled to the side of the room.   
  
A ripple, tingled with warmth, ripped through the air.   
  
Harry leaped from his stool, pose tense and ready for battle. Planting his feet firmly on the floor, he held himself with the confidence and certainty of someone honed and trained for war.   
  
"We're being targeted," Harry whispered low under his breath. "Someone is casting a charm on one of us."   
  
There weren't any intruders. The wards were still intact. Closing his eyes, Harry focused on the thin stream of magic filling the room with an unnatural warmth that only he could seem to sense, and imagined himself running his fingers through its strings. Trace its source, trace its victim…   
  
Harry reeled back in shock. "Sirius…!"   
  
That was all he managed to yell out before a savage tug at his navel sent the room spiraling into darkness.   
  
  
  
  
  
It was dark.   
  
It took a moment for Harry to reorient himself and realize that his eyes were open and not closed, and the room was really dark and not light. Giving himself a quick, metal assessment of his condition, he was vague surprised to discover that he felt completely fine, if not slightly lightheaded. What was that charm? _  
  
Oh no, Remus and Sirius…!   
  
_ Harry fidgeted apprehensively. He was lying down. Humm… he should probably stand up. Something rustled as he moved. It felt grainy under his fingers. _  
  
What was this? Grass…? What? Where was he?! _  
  
"Lumos."   
  
Harry squinted when the sudden light assaulted his eyes. He vaguely wondered why he never sensed the stranger approach him. Blindly, he groped around for his wand and released a soft sigh when he felt its reassuring presence pressed against his thigh.   
  
"There you are! I was beginning to worry," said a very familiar voice.   
  
Harry blinked. "Sirius?!"   
  
The man who stared down at him looked nothing like the godfather who stood in the cozy living room just minutes before. His hair was long and sleek, combed carefully in a ponytail that fell down his neck. His godfather never grew his hair past his shoulder, and it was certainly never as neat as that man's. Sirius always insisted his appearance wasn't important, not with a godson to look after and children to teach. Did Remus curse him or something as a joke?   
  
"Come on, lets go before they come to pick you up. Damn, they're going to have my throat when they finds out."   
  
Before Harry had a chance to react, Sirius was pulling him up by the back of his shirt and enthusiastically marching him towards a very familiar home. But why was he at the Moor House? He was at Hogwarts only minutes ago!   
  
Sirius slung a casual arm over his shoulder, but Harry was too confused to do anything more than gape. His godfather wasn't usually that nonchalant. What was going on?   
  
"So, how did it go?" Sirius brightly asked.   
  
"Wh… what?" Harry stuttered, staring at the man fixedly in shock.   
  
Sirius gave him an odd glance out of the corner of his eye, and grinned secretively. "You know…" he let his words trail off into a mysterious silence.   
  
Harry furrowed his brow, feeling as if his brain had died on him. "Know what?"   
  
Sirius threw his head back and laughed, and Harry had another shock. His godfather never laughed like that. "Alright, stop the weaseling. How did the quidditch game go? Got any _quaffles_?"   
  
He said quidditch and quaffles in the oddest tone, but Harry couldn't depicter it.   
  
"But I play seeker," Harry said stupidly, unable to think of a better response.   
  
"I _know_ you play seeker." And there was that odd tone again.   
  
Harry frowned. Somehow, he had the idea that Sirius was talking about something completely different from quidditch. But…   
  
"I… I don't think I understand," Harry sheepishly admitted.   
  
Sirius just gave a dramatic sigh. "Oh, alright, be secretive. Just make sure to tell me when you're no longer a virgin."   
  
Harry choked. _What?!_   
  
  
  
  
  
Sirius tore through the underbrush, blindly running through the darkened forest. He was distantly aware that the place was familiar. It distinctly resembled the gardens surrounding the Moor House, but that was the last thing on his mind at the moment.   
  
There was a charm. Harry was shouting out his name. And the next thing he knew, he was lying face down under a new moon. This didn't bode well. Could it be a curse of some sort, designed to separate him from Remus and his godson to divide and conquer?   
  
A moan.   
  
Sirius jerked to a stop, trying to ignore the blood pounding in his tempers as he strained his ears to pick out the sound.   
  
Another moan, a but muffled this time, followed by a rustle of fabric. From his right came a distinct sound of a girl's giggle, but that was instantly silenced by a very mushy pop.   
  
He definitely knew that sound. In fact, he had been very well acquainted with it back in his Hogwarts days.   
  
"_Oh_, where are you putting your hand…?" the sentence slipped into a soft moan.   
  
"Must I say it?" came a smooth, low whisper. The speaker was a boy, a very familiar boy.   
  
Before Sirius even considered discretion or the dangers of the odd territory, he was tearing through the bushes and filling the area with light from his wand. The small closure suddenly came into acute detail, and Sirius nearly fell backwards at the sight.   
  
Harry _on the ground_. Harry on a _girl_ on the ground.   
  
This time, the roles were obviously reversed. Harry, his _godson_, had his hand frozen right above a lacy collar that he was slowly and skillfully unbuttoning, and the other snaked tightly around a slim waist. He had a girl (Sirius almost fell completely when he recognized Lavender Brown) completely pinned against the moist grass. Even when the area splattered with light, he still pointedly ignored Sirius in favor of sliding his hands down.   
  
_No, no, no, no... this can't be right!_   
  
"What…?" When suddenly faced with the worst nightmare of his life, in which Sirius remembered yelling himself hoarse and hexing the girl into a pile of dust, he was shocked to realize he couldn't speak.   
  
"Oh, hello Mr. Black," Lavender said with a coy smile. Harry slowly extracted his arms from her neck and waist, and they both exchanged long, knowing glance.   
  
Harry didn't even look at up until after she portkeyed away. Sirius was too stunned to even stutter. When Harry turned, Sirius was sure his stomach was a bloody puddle at his feet. His godson wasn't at all embarrassed. He wasn't even _blushing_. In fact, he had a large, triumphant smile on his face that Sirius was sure he saw in his own after a session with the third fling of the month.   
  
"Well?" Harry elbowed him teasingly and cheekily tilted his head to one side. "What do you say? I'm close to breaking your record!"   
  
Sirius was sure that his jaw could have fallen completely off his face if it wasn't for the annoying skin.   
  
"Lessee, there's Lavender this week. Chang was the first this month, and then Patil. I'm halfway through, I think, just as much as you," Harry idly counted with his fingers, pursing his lips in thought. "I'm thinking about asking Ginny, but she has too many brothers…"   
  
_This was a nightmare_. Everything that he swore not to let Harry do, his godson was going about it with a cheeky smile.   
  
"Sirius, what's up with you? You're unusually quiet," Harry said finally, frowning at him as he straightened his shirt. Suddenly, he grinned and elbowed him again, "Having second thoughts about losing your record?"   
  
Something cracked. Very loudly.   
  
"What the hell did you think you were doing?!" Sirius shouted as loud as his voice would allow him, flinging out his hands. When he found there was nothing to hit, grabbed at his hair instead. "What . Are . You . Doing . With . Brown . _In the bushes_?!"   
  
Rather than shrinking back as his godson would have done, Harry perked up even more rebelliously. "You know," Harry winked and a smile that suspiciously resembled a smirk spread across his face. "Come on, we better get back. They're going to kill you if they find out what happened."   
  
Sirius staggered after Harry with his jaw completely detached.   
  
_ This was a nightmare. A **nightmare**!!!   
  
  
  
  
  
_ He was dreaming. He was sure of it. This couldn't possibly be happening. Remus pinched himself hard, and grimaced at the pain. He must have imagined the it, because this couldn't be happening.   
  
"Remus, tell me this truthfully, where's Harry?"   
  
The lights were dancing oddly over the ceiling, a reflection of the brustling fireplace. The white tiled counter, the same as the one he remembered cleaming before leaving on the Hogwarts Express, gleamed back at him. Remus opened his mouth and shut it again, feeling unmistakably fishlike.   
  
The man sighed, shaking his head in frustration when Remus failed to answer. He stood with a flourish, his hands behind his back, and began madly pacing the room. His glasses glinted with firelight as he walked, and his hair resembled an ungroomed animal's. Remus sank all his weight against the kitchen counter and tried to breathe. But what came out sounded vaguely like a groan.   
  
James. The man was James. He was an enlarged version of Harry but with a stouter build, a firmer jaw, and deep, brown eyes. There were a few more creases on his face, and he looked far more mature than his pictures, but Remus could still recognize him distinctly.   
  
"I knew it! I knew it!" the man, James, continued to rant as he ploped into a stool. "Damn, Lily's going to kill me."   
  
"Lily…?" Remus choked out weakly.   
  
_ Was she here too? What sort of dream was this? Oh god…   
  
_ Remus stabbed himself with the tip of his wand.   
  
James dragged his hands over his face exasperatedly, "I can't believe Sirius is cheering him on! I can't believe I made him Harry's godfather!!"   
  
"Wha…?" Remus said eloquently.   
  
"Alright, I know Sirius. But I thought he'd be… more mature to my son!" James continued to rant, completely oblivious to Remus' shock.   
  
Was this some sort of dream? Or was James' ghost so infuriated with Sirius' actions that he took the incentive and decided to haunt him?   
  
"Sirius is very mature," Remus finally found his voice, but it still came scratchy and wavering. "He's been a very good godfather to Harry."   
  
"What?!" James choked out in disbelief. Remus subconsciously took a step back. "He's putting Harry up to dating every single girl in Hogwarts!" _What?! Oh god, this can't be happening..._   
  
The room in Remus' vision sharply tilted to the right, but the wall fortunately caught him.   
  
"No, that can't be right," Remus whispered. Numbly, he tried to think back to an occassion when Sirius did anything to imply that, but his mind scraped a blank. "Sirius is setting up Harry to date absolutely no girls in his life."   
  
"At least my son still has top grades in his class, otherwise, I'd be wringing Sirius' neck. I mean, my son!" James gritted out angrily, clenching and unclenching his fists. He didn't seem to hear Remus' previous defense at all. "Sirius wants Harry to be a mirror image of him, but... oh, the idiot!"   
  
Remus furiously shook his head. "No, James, that's definitely not true!"   
  
Distantly, he wondered what sort of twisted reality he could be standing in. He would imagine that if he met James' ghost, his old friend would be furious that Harry was doomed to a bachelor's life, but this was completely wrong. Sirius encouraging Harry to follow in his footsteps? Sirius? Who cursed any girl who even attempted to catch Harry's eye? Sirius would have a heart attack is a girl even tried to kiss his godson...   
  
"What sort of act are you trying to pull? Are you on his side or mine?!" James snapped out, slamming his fist against the table.   
  
The front door suddenly flew open, and a cheery "Moony, I'm home!" wafted through the room.   
  
Remus froze. _Harry?!_ That was Harry's voice, although that was definitely not Harry's style. Remus stiffly turned his head in the direction of the living room, and felt the blood drain from his face.   
  
No, that was definitely not Harry's style. The glasses, the hair, the eyes were still the same, but the long leather coat and the hugging bike pants were things that Harry wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. He alarmingly resembled Sirius at his age, and Remus felt like melting to the floor in shock.   
  
_And was that... an earing?! This could not be happening. That boy in front of him could not be Harry._   
  
The Sirius that staggered after him was pale faced and dazed, as if he couldn't quite comprehend or digest what was occurring. Remus caught his gaze, and they stared at each other with confused recognition.   
  
"Hey, Dad!" Harry greeted with a wide grin. He threw his arm over his dad's shoulders, pointedly dismissing James' suspicious glare.   
  
The front door flew open a second time, and another cheery "Moony, I'm home!" ran through the house.   
  
Both James and Harry startled in surprise.   
  
Remus had to catch the wall for support to keep from falling completely to the floor. Another Sirius marched proudly into view, clothed in his leather jacket and his hair tied smoothly into a low ponytail. He hauled a second Harry after him, a Harry with oversized clothes that Remus remembered lending to him after his shower and very large, saucer sized eyes. He looked as confused and out of place as the first Sirius did.   
  
Something in his mind clicked. Everything fell into place.   
  
_ Oh no… not this **again**!   
  
_ "You're both home now?" came an all too familiar voice from the top of the stairs. Remus lifted his eyes and felt himself completely freeze at the sight of the lanky frame, fawn hair, and grey eyes. "Harry, would you like something to… eat…?" the other Remus' voice trailed off into silence. He looked at the two Sirius', the two Harry's, and an added Remus in the kitchen. The other Remus' jaw fell.   
  
"What the…?"   
  
  
  
  
  
*   
  
  
  
  
  
End.   
  
*cackle* *cackle* *cackle*   
  
*grins*   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
updated author's notes as of 11.07.02: a brief summary of what happened. Hufflepuffs banish Sirius, unknowingly, to an alternate world. Because of the blood oath, Remus and Harry are dragged along for the ride. The alternate world is a bit... different. Remember in chapter two, when Remus speculated what would happen if James and Lily had lived? He thought that Sirius, rather than protecting Harry, would cheer him on to follow in his godfather's footsteps, and driving James and Lily insane while he did it. So now, you have the Harry with a charmed life, and needless to say, he's very different. In fact, he remotely resembles Bill. Two very opposite Harrys with two very opposite Siriuses was quite a fun idea to play around though...   
  
umm... really, this isn't a joke. It is the end. GI is complete. I'm completely serious this time. My humor muse has scraped the bottom, I think you can sort of tell by the quality of this chapter. Ack...   
  
An epilogue might be in the works, but I hardly doub it will be humorous. There are too many issues tied into the situation, that if it took a humorous path, it would... I can't find the right word for it. Ack... or maybe until CoS can get under way. That story is a pain... and my muse has completely died for it. *sigh* Sorry about the short author's notes for this chapter.   
  



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